Since I'm the only one working while Danny stays home with Han, our finances are pretty dismal. We didn't get anyone a gift this year because of it. And although I was bummed at first, the pressure of planning a budget and buying gifts didn't exist for me this year. Let me tell you, it was RELIEVING. It felt so good! A Christmas miracle, if you will! No gift-giving and instead simply hanging out with family and eating good food totally MADE my holiday.
I brought up this idea of focusing on family instead of gifts to Danny. His reaction was akin to telling an eight year old Santa isn't real. Danny is a big kid who LOVES presents - giving and getting. A part of me was frustrated that the exchange of material items is something he refuses to give up, but then I can see where he's coming from. I mean this is a tradition we grew up with and he came from a very happy home where money troubles didn't exist or at the very least were not at the forefront. My upbringing was very different. Having your phone, power, and water shut off as a kid is confusing, sad, and scary. Losing the home you grew up in to something called a foreclosure is a whole other confounding ordeal. That being said, we always had Christmas and I'm baffled at how my mom was able to swing that especially during all that other mess. I imagine it was stressful and deflating at times.
And that's why I wanted to call the whole thing off (or well, the gift bit). I truly believe Han will be a better person celebrating Christmas without the materialism. Trying to convince Danny was going to be the hard bit. I started researching online to see what other parents had to say on the topic and I think I've come to a compromising solution that will not only appease Danny, but makes me feel content about the idea of gifts for our son during Christmas time. First, let me break down each article I read in order so you can see how I came up with a solution that works for me:
I Don't Believe in Buying Gifts (And, no, I'm Not a Scrooge) - Jeff Wilson explains how he and his wife do not exchange gifts for Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Birthdays. They have two daughters and although they do receive gifts it's usually something they need (i.e. musical instrument; shared laptop; etc.). For Jeff and his wife, they decided early on to forget the ridiculous hassle gift buying creates and instead "experience all of the magic of the season without any of the stress." I love that he and his wife celebrate their birthdays by going on a hike, eating at a special restaurant, and ultimately just spending the day together. Sounds romantic and lovely. He also says, "there are gifts...in not getting gifts," and that's so true. Spending a day together or experiencing something new as a family can easily be the best gift without the exchange of goods. He brings up the challenge of getting the rest of the family (kids' grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.) on board, but with time and consistency his extended family have sort of come around and he hopes they see the value in their philosophy. I really appreciate his outlook on not giving gifts even if he does still give a couple to his kids.
Gift Giving Manners - Knowing introducing this new philosophy will be tough on family, I looked up how to broach the subject respectfully and came across Maralee Mckee's blog. She sets up a few guidelines to go by. Her first one is to tell people now about your new no-gifts philosophy rather than waiting until Thanksgiving day. That way the family can settle into the idea that no-gifts is actually a gift to us. She then suggests mentioning how saving money this year actually benefits the whole family. She goes on to say that you should find your supporters because having back-up is a great way to persuade the non-supporting family members. Finally, stay consistent. I think that's the most important. Whatever Danny and I decided for our little family then we have to maintain that philosophy and not make exceptions. I like the idea of presenting our new tradition with ease and respect. Of course that doesn't necessarily mean all will be on board, but change always takes time.
After reading each of these articles/posts, I have come to a compromise that I hope Danny can get behind. I still like Jeff Wilson's no-gift tradition with his wife and really think Danny and I should embrace that idea. Let's take our Christmases, birthdays, and anniversaries to the next level and go do something fun, romantic, and memorable. Something that plays to both our interests. Personally, I feel like we have enough and anything we want/need we can get for each other throughout the year.
As for Han, I think the three gift rule is a great tradition to introduce to our son. By no means are we religious - gods, no. But I think we could easily shape this idea into a new tradition that fits our family. Here's what I'm thinking:
$$Bling$$ - just kidding. Han's too young to even know he has desires beyond what we provide him, but once he is aware his "gold" will be something he really wants. Of course we will dictate what's approriate: ponies = no; toy kitchen = yes.
Since this gift should be something that elevates the mind, I think a book or passes to a museum makes sense. Cricket Penny (3 Gifts at Christmas post) makes this gift into something the family does together. A shared experience. I think that's a good idea too. Maybe one year Han will receive a meaningful book and the next we all go on a trip to Australia to visit his Aunt. Or to go back to what Jeff Wilson gives his children: something he needs; e.g., musical instrument, computer, art supplies, etc.
I think it's safe to say this is where the gift of underwear comes into effect. Of course we could even go further and actually gift Han an outfit that also includes skivvies and other accessories like a scarf or hat. Perhaps the outfit bit would be wrapped and the undies, accessories, and toiletries (toothbrush, cologne, aromatherapy candles, treats, etc.) would go into the stocking.
Well, with any luck I can convince Danny to take this approach to the holiday. Abolish the gimmie, gimmie, gimmie mentality and present a season of warmth, love, appreciation, and togetherness for our son.
How do you tackle the gift-giving debacle?
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I like the 3 gift idea. I think that could be fun. I'm probably always going to give you something on holidays (bought or made) but I like the idea of spending a special day together too.
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